Coping with insecurity
Need for security: The interactive Self-Discovery series by Sri Aurobindo has a book titled Fear: Its cause and cure.
According to Sri Aurobindo, fear comes from excessive concern about one’s security. In relationships, we are afraid of being vulnerable. We try to protect ourselves by seeking external reassurances and platitudes.
By opening up, sharing our inner fears and just letting them be, we are able to face them. By trying to mitigate our fearful insecurities, we keep feeling them.
Finding inner stillness: We can control our insecurities by finding our core, which is calm and divine. Through meditation we begin slowly release the tensions and anxiety.
Chanting: Choose the Gayatri mantra or a word that brings a sense of stillness and chant it every time they begin to dwell on insecurities and fearful thoughts.
Risk love: In his book, When all you’ve ever wanted isn’t enough, Harold S Kushner talks about
love with risk. There is no relationship without risk of loss, failure or grief. It is an inevitable part
of loving. Rabbi Kushner says, we fear to give ourselves hundred per cent in a relationship. Love
is a free fall of emotions. Once we can accept the emotional investment required, we begin to let go of fear.
Surrender: Whether it is to destiny or the Divine, eventually we need to surrender and let go of outcomes.
Live with the Faith that what is to be will be. One cannot control it. “Tell yourself each day that if someone has to cheat on you, he/she will. By your constant vigilance or assurance seeking, the outcome will not change. In fact, it will weaken your relationship further.”
Law of attraction: The book, The Secret, reveals how we manifest fears by dwelling on them. Sri Aurobindo also explores this concept. We are reminded that by focusing on fear, we create that
very fear. It is important that we keep reminding ourselves this. Learn to separate: Learn to
separate reality from fear. When we operate from insecurities, we operate from a place that is built on fantasy, not reality. Is your fear based on evidence? Where is the fear coming from?
Seek therapy to help you differentiate and cognitively restructure.
Being in the now: Insecurities are the results of living in the past or future. I often hear people say, ‘He/she did that to me in the past. I do not trust them and this makes me insecure’ or you may say, ‘My father suffered financially. I am scared I will too’. Therapist Marsha Williams says, “WIN is a useful acronym that I apply to my relationships. WIN stands for ‘What’s Important Now’. This helps her stay in the present and assess current needs, instead of thinking of the past or future.
Insecurity is best tackled by discovering our own power. We need to discover our strengths and build our lives with the knowledge that people cannot fulfil our needs or make us happy. The Buddha spoke about creating a space within ourselves that is solely ours. This inner life is independent of others. When we are able to be with ourselves without fearing our minds, we find security.
The desperate need for others disappears. They become a part of our life, not life itself. This is an important insight to remember because when people build their lives around a particular person or objective, life becomes very insecure.
Finally, if a relationship is not working, we need to let go of it. We have to assess and see if insecurity stems from our minds or whether our partner or friend is generally unreliable. We can work on your own insecurities, but we cannot change our partner into being something they aren’t. Remember, there is a difference between being insecure in an abusive relationship and feeling insecurity in a nonabusive relationship.
Eventually, a healthy relationship is one in which we can share insecurities, be open and vulnerable with our loved ones and instead of seeking constant reassurances, surrender our fears to the Divine.
Lovely Thoughts for Lovely People Just Like You